Unsatisfactory Example
Q:"It is only when students are really thirsty for knowledge, longing to hear about things, that I would let them go to the University. It would be a favour, a coveted privilege." — Winston Churchill, My Early Life. Should university education be restricted in the way that Churchill suggests?
Everyone should have the right to an education, because there is a greater opportunity to expand a nation through knowledge. Being one of the most powerful leaders in history, Winston Churchill should have realized this. University education should not be restricted in the way that Churchill suggests, due to his vague statement. However, the educational system could use certain improvements, for there are many individuals who abuse the right to an education.
Firstly, Churchill has the right idea about the willingness to learn, however, who is to set the standards for the `thirst of knowledge'? Students should drive to be the best at their major, for there are other people waiting for the chance to pursue their career goals. If they fail at their attempt they should be dismissed. This would allow another potential student to take the previous one's place.
Furthermore, standards should be set through enrollment. People with the ability to study hard and achieve a high grade point average, will have a greater potential to do well in further education.
Although everyone should have the right to a proper education, there should be standards set for enrollment. This is due to the abuse of the educational system and the high demand for further education. Students should be given a chance to suceed.
But if they fail, another should be given a chance. This will allow for a higher turnout rate of success.
Sample 5 DISCUSSION:
In this essay, the writer starts out fairly well in presenting the thesis that university education should not be restricted in the way that Churchill suggests and in further arguing that the edu- cational system should be changed in response to students' abusing the right to an education. Unfortunately, the writer fails to develop these arguments sufficiently; the result is a thin, floundering, and repetitious essay. For example, in the second paragraph, the writer seizes upon a problem with Churchill's idea--how we can judge or set standards for a student's "thirst for knowledge"--but just as quickly, the writer drops this idea and introduces two new aspects of the topic: students' drive to succeed and the suggestion that inadequate performance should lead to dismissal from university. In the following paragraph, the writer suggests that "standards should be set through enrollment" but does not clearly explain what is meant by this. The final two paragraphs repeat ideas already presented without adding any further clarification or elaboration.
At just under 250 words, this essay fell far short of the required 400 words. Essays this short, however, may still pass as long as the writer demonstrates the ability to present and argue a position adequately and to write readable prose with few errors. While this essay suffers from few grammatical, wording, and mechanical problems, the writer's failure to develop any argument adequately suggests that even had the writer managed to turn out 400 words, the result would not have been a much better essay. In short, this writer clearly needs help and practice in elaborating ideas and in building arguments.